


Look Up

by runs_in_the_family



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: And a Decent Father Figure, Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Bullying, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Gen, Homophobic Language, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Thank God for Uncle Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 13:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17829863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runs_in_the_family/pseuds/runs_in_the_family
Summary: There are things that he remembers and things that he doesn’t. The latter makes the former harder to understand sometimes.A glimpse through Billy's childhood.





	Look Up

     There are things that he remembers and things that he doesn’t. The latter makes the former harder to understand sometimes.

 

     He doesn’t know when it’d become his signature. One curl. Open shirt. His mother’s pendant clinging to his chest. But when he looks at himself, he feels strong. Feels safe.

 

     Much of his childhood is half-remembered blanks. Most people’s are, he supposes.

 

     He can’t recall much of his sixth birthday except for two things. The first is his mom baking him a cake that looks like his teddy bear, Frank. He thinks it’s awesome. The kids at his birthday party, all of whom are just those few months older than he is, think it’s lame. He can tell, when they sing “Happy Birthday”, that they don’t mean it.

     It’s minute but it’s the first time that the damaging concept of ‘being liked’ enters his mind.

     The other thing he can remember from that day is the gift he receives from his uncle. Tony, his mother’s brother, is a lot of fun. He turns his music up high so that Billy can shout the wrong lyrics as loud as he wants. He always smells like cigarettes and Billy’s too young to understand mental associations and why the foul odor that clings to his uncle’s clothes always makes him so happy.

     Tony’s gift is a comic book. Billy has a good grip on reading, for his age anyway, but some of the words are tricky. Tony stays after the party and helps him read it. There’s a guy in red and blue with a big ‘S’ printed on his chest. He flies around and beats up bad guys. He’s strong. He’s awesome.

     There’s another memory, though it’s from a few days later. Billy, the youngest in his class, starts getting picked on because of the awesome cake his mom made. When he goes home, knees and elbows skinned from meeting the ground so many times, he tearfully leaves Frank next to the garbage can.

     He looks at the comic book that Uncle Tony gave him, still unsure of some of the words, but entranced by the pictures.

 

* * *

 

 

     The next three birthdays kind of blur into one another. He knows that one year his mom made a cake that looked like a basketball. He also knows that less and less kids arrived at his parties each year.

     By the time he’s nine, he’s got a small library of Superman comic books going in his room. All of them are from Uncle Tony. His dad won’t buy them so Tony comes up with any excuse he can to give Billy a present. When he’s sick, when he does well in school.

     One day, he finally admits to his uncle that some guys in his class give him a hard time. He does so with a bloody nose and Tony pretends to be surprised by the revelation. He’s told that some people are just assholes and hearing a grown up curse in front of him makes Billy feel a bit cooler. Tony buys him another Superman comic.

 

     The other kids start growing faster than he does and it makes things worse. Suddenly, pushing him onto the ground and stealing his stuff isn’t enough. He gets punched, he gets kicked, they even try and choke him once. The name calling really gets to him. It ranges in severity from ‘whimp’ to ‘shithead’ but when someone calls him ‘faggot’ for the first time, he’s a little confused. He knows that it’s bad because they’re calling him one but he doesn’t know what the word means.

     He makes the mistake of asking his mom when he gets home. 

     She calls the school. Then she calls Tony.

     Billy’s uncle drives him a long way to reach a store that only sells comic books. He’s never seen anything like it. It’s the first time he finds out that some of the people who show up in Superman’s books have their own comics. Tony tells him that he can get four comic books if he wants. A guy at the store convinces him to get one that isn’t about Superman.

     Tony drives slowly on their way back. He reminds Billy that some people are just assholes but he also says that that doesn’t mean he has to put up with it. He tells him about all the different ways a person can be strong and how just because he’s not as big as some of the guys at school doesn’t mean he isn’t tough. Billy half listens. More attention is focused on the cover of one of his new books. Classic Superman pose, pulling his shirt open to show off that bright ‘S’. Billy imagines that it works as a sign, to show how strong Superman is, and as a shield. It helps protect him.

     When they get back home, Billy’s dad starts arguing with Tony. Billy’s mom sends him to his room and then follows a moment later. She shuts the door to muffle the yelling. She tells him that she loves him and that she’s sorry that he’s been having problems at school. She gives him a small medal. It has a picture on it that Billy can barely make out and the name “Christopher” is almost legible. She explains that “Christopher” will help to look after him but he doesn’t totally understand how.

 

     He doesn’t see Tony anymore. His parents won’t mention him. He doesn’t get any new comics. “Christopher” doesn’t stop him from getting beaten up and called names.

     Nobody shows up to his tenth birthday.

    

* * *

 

 

     When he turns eleven, his mom is too sick to bake. He doesn’t have a party but, at his mother’s request, his dad buys a small cake from the grocery store. It doesn’t taste like hers.

     A few months later, she passes away. It’s the first time in nearly two years that he sees Uncle Tony. His dad eventually agrees to let Billy go to the movies with his uncle.

Billy doesn’t get to go to the movies a lot. He has no idea what they are going to see. When he sees the poster, he smiles for the first time since his mom collapsed in the living room.

It’s been so long since he’s read his comics but seeing that bright ‘S’ shooting across the big screen is like a religious experience. The pictures in the books were one thing but he can’t describe what he feels watching that red cape billowing through the air. Billy doesn’t know anything about actors. When the credits start rolling and he sees the name “Christopher”, his chest feels like it’s about to collapse.

Tony tells him that they can stay sitting in the theatre as long as he wants, until he stops crying.

    

* * *

 

 

     When his dad doesn’t want him around, Tony lets Billy stay at his place. He learns about lifting weights from Tony’s room mate, Dave, who says he’s still too young to lift but that he can watch and learn and do it when he’s older. Dave asks Billy to spot him and it makes Billy feel important.

     During these visits, Tony lets Billy sleep in his bed and he says he’ll sleep on Dave’s floor. Deep down, Billy knows that the room he’s lying in is the spare of the two. He doesn’t say it. Doesn’t dwell on it.

     Dave helps him with his homework and, one day, teaches him how to throw a punch. Tony gives Billy his first sip of beer but refuses to let him try a cigarette, warning him never to start.

     One night, as he eats pizza with Tony and Dave, his dad shows up. He yells at Billy to get in the car and Billy complies with no hesitation. He can hear yelling right up until he shuts the car door behind him. It’s ten minutes before his dad shows up in the car, red faced and out of breath.

     Billy is told he’s not allowed to visit his uncle again. His comics are dumped in the trash that night. A few days later, he comes home from school with a busted lip and blackening eye. He’s reprimanded for not fighting back and it’s the first time his father calls him ‘faggot’.

 

* * *

 

 

     Puberty hits Billy like a bitch when he’s fourteen. He grows up and bulks out. He gets two summer jobs and buys a basic set of weights.

     When he shows up first day of freshman year, it takes a while for some kids to recognise him. When they do, a lot of them seem to have new memories of what good friends they were. No one hits him. No one calls him ‘faggot’.

     He can feel the pendant hanging hidden under his shirt.

    

* * *

 

 

     There are things that he remembers and things that he doesn’t. The latter makes the former harder to understand sometimes.

     Billy doesn’t know why loud music and the smell of cigarettes make him feel safe. He doesn’t know why he always wants his hair to have that one curl hanging down onto his forehead. He doesn’t know why he never takes his pendant off. Not the real reasons.

     It’s part of his skin now. Always there, like a bright ‘S’ blasted on his chest. It makes him feel strong. It makes him feel tough. It makes him feel safe.

     If he’d let himself remember, he’d understand why.

    

 


End file.
